Tuesday, January 27, 2009

It's not easy being seen

OK. So I know I'm a "blogger" and I'm supposed to feel comfortable in the public eye. But I'm going to let you in on a secret: Some days it's tough to put myself out there. Today was one of those days.

I guest-blogged on Glamour.com today (see it here). All day I felt so proud. 17 thoughtful comments! Triple my typical Sally's Circle traffic! And so many people congratulating and complimenting little old me.

But at 7PM, as I turned off the light in my office and entered the chilly city streets, ice cold tears fell onto my cheeks. I can't fully explain why. But I'll try...

Sometimes I wish I were an expert on something other than grief. I dream of being an expert on juggling or knitting or flying kites. Imagine if I could write to you all day about kites. OK, I guess that would be a frivolous way to spend my hours.

But now that writing about grief is becoming part of my "job," when do I get to leave this "work" at the "office"? What about the days when I don't want to grieve? What about the days when I don't want to relive my loss? When does writing about grief become a way of prolonging my grief and dragging me back into a painful area of my past when part of me is ready to move on?

Remind me that it's therapeutic. Remind me that it's important. Remind me that I'm meant to write a book about this experience.

Most of all, remind me that it means something to you.


  1. I read you blog today as a guest blogger!
    I am giving you thumbs up doll.
    Rock on!

    I am a Liver Cancer Survivor from 2000 at the age of 23.

    Currently working on writing about my journey with cancer along with some other trouble times(loss of my father when I was 20 and my grandmother passed away the very next day from pancreatic cancer)
    I feel your pain.
    I am at a very critical stage as of right now before taking the next step to publishing. I ve got this crazy cold that has me feeling bad today. So bad I would just say walk away from the editing. Forget the whole thing just forget I said I would write a book. I am on the chapter the day I lost my father and I am about to go crazy. But in the end if I ever see it its gonna be the best.

    I just need to find the time to blog but thats when I have the trouble of being in the public eye. So then I question myself what am I even doing writing. Ha!

    If you have time check me out on myspace...
    so you can read more about my writing look on the blog section under Ashley's Writing.

    Really doll continue what you have started!


  2. Marissa,
    I read your guest blog entry today on Erin's blog. You writing left me wanting to know more about you and to read more of the things you have written. I love the idea of Sally's Circle and have thought about a blog like this myself for grieving parents and siblings. (I lost my eighteen year old son one year ago yesterday)

    Just wanted you to know that your writing has inspired me. It is therapeutic, important, and truly meaningful. So thank you. I'll visit often.

  3. Ashley and Amy -- you two have really lifted my spirits tonight. I usually aim to stay more optimistic in my blogs, and in life in general, but you caught me on one of those tougher days (which I'm sure you can both relate to!). I'm so lucky to have you two as readers. Ashley, I'm hooked on the videos you posted on your myspace blog. Thanks again to both and have a great night.

  4. It means alot. And there are many who read who are silent.

    God gives each of us gifts - sometimes at great cost - but then the gift, if used, is even better.

    Trust me - this blog has helped so many/

  5. My Grandmother was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I've been up all night reading your blog, it helps to know I'm not the only one that will/has experienced this. It helps to read someone else's story, it helps you face something no one should ever have to face. Thank you for your wonderful and honest articles.

  6. Just wanted to say a quick thank you to the two people who commented anonymously. I really appreciate your kind words. I was going through a rough time when I wrote this blog entry, and your words encouraged me to continue writing. Remember if you're uncomfortable posting publicly, you can always email me at marisa.bardach@gmail.com. My thoughts are with both of you, and I'm thinking lots of positive and hopeful thoughts for your grandmother.