Monday, March 9, 2009

Speaking Up: How to talk to lost loved ones

I admit it. I'm being totally stubborn.

I'm facing a big decision, and I really need my mother's words of wisdom. But instead of talking to her, I'm stuck in a cycle of feeling angry, frustrated, and mopey. The smallest thing will send me into a fit (just ask my poor boyfriend, who gets the brunt of it!).

This happened to me once before, over the summer. I invited all my relatives to my new apartment and cooked a big feast. But all morning and all that day, I couldn't shake the disappointment that my mom wouldn't be there. It was only later, when I talked to her in my head, that I realized she was there--just in a different way.

Now I need to find the strength to let go of the anger and talk to her again.

How do you let go of frustration? What helps? Running? Yoga? Religion? Therapy? I'm open to trying anything at this point!


  1. Good morning my friend,
    anger is very hard.
    Unfortunally I don't have
    alot of anger.
    Even after all the things
    I been through in life.

    I am not real sure how I do it
    Everone around me says I am tough
    as nails...

    Religion is in my life
    and faith has carried me
    a many of roads.

    It is in my heart that everything
    happens for a reason. I might not know
    that reason. But I try to find
    strenght in it somewhere to move on.

    Pregnant at a young age,
    outside of marriage.
    Daddy's death when I was twenty
    to liver cancer at the age of
    twenty three.

    Do you know that is three
    major things most people
    will only deal with one of those three.

    I had alot of determination to push on
    learn from what mess I got myself into
    or was into.

    With you trying to write your book
    has you caught up in so many
    emotions. This could be a struggle!
    But dont give up on it...
    It is part of your healing
    I believe a hundred percent this is
    for you to do. We as kindly humans
    have to share what we are going through
    or been through to help those behind us.

    I question myself somedays why am I writing
    about my cancer journey. It has taking me
    back deep into emotions I faught to get away
    from. Even left me in a depression some days...
    but I am still kicking to get it out there. My passion in life is to help others.

    It is as if it my God giving duty is to share
    with others. He will reward me in the end.

    Girl I love you from the bottom of my heart
    as a blogging sister.

    You jump strong on your feet. Study anger
    find your weakness ... come out fighting mad
    to finish showing us what you really have got
    people need you. I wish I had you thirteen years ago this May to support me when I lost Daddy.

    The way I see it your stepping out
    with writing your book is about to let
    the nation see another side of the story
    on cancer. When enough voices are heard we ALL will stand up 2 cancer! To find a cure. I believe its right in our face but most havent been affected by it to worry about it.

    I better stop here!


  2. You're the best, Ashley. I can't thank you enough for your words. You and Sally share a similar wisdom, and I know your encouragement will help me find my strength.

  3. Marisa, if you're talking about anger/frustration in general, cleaning up a storm works for me. Take it out on the dust, the grime, the grunge.

    I'm not able to comment on anger/frustration specific to the grieving process, but for your average random "gggrrrrrrr!!!!!" kinds of days, scrubbing works for me.


  4. Maybe this is why drumming was good for me. I should have never quit the band!

  5. I get frustrated and angry too! I think that the best advice I can offer is to accept that those emotions are part of who you are.

    Obviously if you find yourself angry/frustrated to the exclusion of all other emotions for an extended period of time - that is not good. But from the little I know, you seem to be experiencing life, having good times, fun with friends and family, successful professional life and taking on the project of your book. So, let yourself feel the emotions that come up, acknowledge them and know that they are a part of your development as a human being and don't be too hard on yourself.

    You know the phrase "Cancer Sucks", well yes it does and so does grieving and missing your mom! I think a healthy amount of anger/frustration is a tribute to the relationship you have with your mom - if she wasn't such a great mom, there might not be much to be angry about. Thinking about that aspect sometimes helps me.

    Hang in there,

  6. I wish I had an answer for you, I've only just today found your blog from the's facebook website. I get angry that nothing can ever be a joyful experience again. For instance, I've decided after much deliberation to follow my dream of being a nurse, I started long ago but never finished (I'm still in my 20's its not to late)! But as soon as I made the announcement to people and said it lost any happiness I might feel and it became just another moment in my life where my father would be giving me a supportive hug and pat on the back, a few words of fatherly wisdom, and of course a stern lecture on all things important...but he's not he's gone...he won't be there to lecture me, he won't be there to see me make it and be proud of me....and therefore sometimes its hard to not be angry that he had to leave us!

    Still all my friends and family give me line after line of gleeful self-help bs and I just get even angrier with them for not understanding that yoga or boxing or running really hard won't take away a pain so deep inside it burns, so let me just tell you that if you can find a way to get rid of your anger, you should be writing self-help books. Because I may run, or clean, or yoga til I'm about to drop...but then I'm just angry and exhausted!